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Sunday, May 1st, 2005
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10:23 pm - meh
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was sitting around really, after what had potential to become one of the greatest weekends, upset, apathetic somewhat and all and all unstable. I've determined that much like my last post this wont make any sense at all, so make out what you can.
why do we set goals in life? you never will reach them, yeah they push you to improve in whatever it is you're trying to accomplish but for myself in general when you realise that you cannot reach those goals, even after you've imporved the angst is so great that's just depressing to even think about. I would almost kill to be one of those stupid orange county kids who have rich parents who have their lives made for them. But we all know that if I did that then I would be on here still, but I wouldn't be bitching about what I am now, I would be bitching that my parents didn't buy me the right color corvette for my graduation party.
Besides why would you want to be someone who you're not? To fit in? blah, I totally dislike that whole situation, I have been put in it and I've pretty much declined it, maybe i'm paying for it now but fuck them.
Lastly, I've posted many times talking about how I can't really hate anyone, I don't hate anyone yadda yadda yadda. But what I realised after the big fall, and more so as I am heading twards the end of my senior year, (see previous entrees months ago) is that I do hate people. Not only do I hate people, but I enjoy hating them. It's not only a few people, but a lot. What's funny about this is, the people who prob think I hate them I like, but the peole who don't think I hate them, I hate.
Weekend so should have ruled, I got a raise and I even ended up buying a car, but because of one niche it was hosed away. Maybe I should start doing drugs again, make life more intersting. before you fuckers post saying dont do drugs, because I know you will, even if I wnated them i can't afford them...im so broke
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| Saturday, April 16th, 2005
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1:32 am - what can you count on
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If there was anything that I can really say about life in genreal is that things are never what they seem. Sometimes you wonder if everyone choose to do everything at the same time on purpose? I know this post dosen't make sense it's not supposed to, it's supposed to be abstract put together what I am saying. What can you count on in life? Friends? no, Family? in my case yeah, but in general no. Yourself? you're weak.
The only thing you can count on in life is tyler being stoned out of his mind.
current mood:  groggy
current music: The Cure - If only tonight we could sleep
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| Monday, April 4th, 2005
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11:38 pm - im such a procrastinator(sp?)
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well, I say i'll update the next day but I don't. I so kept on putting it off but now I am here to write. Sorry to all my loyal readers for the long wait. A few things have happend since my last update. I was sick on Thursday and Friday, and didn't go to school. I don't recall being that sick within the past few years. My ears were clogged and my throat was so sore. It was because our nice 60 degree weather was about to be owned with a snow storm that was coming in. I was so miserable, thank you to the dr who called in a prescription for me, I started to feel better mid day saturday. Sunday I went to work and did a few other things not worth mentioning.
Today we had a two hour delay, why I dont really know but we did. This enabled me to sleep in, and I LOVED it :) What I didn't love was tech, most every other school in the district cancled school so I had a total of 3 people in my lab. I played solitare the whole damn day. I came home and worked on my make up work and just recently I was on the phone with my sister for awhile. Now I know im not too public about my relations with my sister, I also make it seem out that I hate her or whatever. This isn't really the case. Since she lives so far away now I enjoy talking to her about things. Maybe it's because I am older, I dont really know or care. As I have said before and im saying it now, when it comes down to it, Family is all you have really.
My birthday is coming up thursday, we have decided to go out to celebrate wensday. The family is going to Biscotti's in Ohio. My mother is all about that restraunt, I really don't care lol. The weekend should be fun, The plans are to go camping with tyler; that should be an experince. I was hoping to stay sober for one night and hang out with Tammy, so she's have a super cool weekend (because hanging out with me will make ANYONE's weekend super cool lol) but she declined because she's working or has plans. It's cool either way though.
Ahh, Tammy where should I start? It pretty much gives me the feeling that why couldn't have I become friends with her earlier. Here I am in my senior year, twards the end at that, and I make what seems to be a solid friendship, heh it's just my super luck i imagine. Tammy seems like a great person to know, and I have a feeling we'll learn a lot from each other and become great friends, and yeah as the previous post says, she is beautiful, haha I won't deny that. But I don't really have any intensions of that kind of a relationship, I just want to be good friends with her. It almost seems like life is more simple that way, whatever happens happens though, and I'll accept it either way. I hope she atleast becomes a good friend to me like samantha
current mood:  tired
current music: The Fire and Reason - Teeth
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| Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
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12:22 am - quickie
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Tammy is awesome, and she's hot, i'll talk about tomorrow after i get some sleep >:O
current mood:  thirsty
current music: bed time music
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| Monday, March 21st, 2005
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8:34 pm - much needed update
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It's time for a much needed update, I've been doing well for awhile so I saw no reason to really update this, besides no one really reads it anyway unless I tell them to, which is kinda stupid but to be honest, I don't really care. There are so many thing that have been in my head as of late, and so much stress. No one really knows it, or if they do know about it they dont say anything, I've been passing it off and it's been building up. I know that's not the best way to do things but that's how I have always been.
For some weird reason I keep getting a thought through my head that no one really cares, friends family exc. Deep down I know this is hardly the case. There are quite a few people who are my friends that I am not sure about, but the ones that have stuck through with me for a while I know they care, and I know my family always cares. What I think is happening I just keep thinking these thoughts, and you know if you keep thinking something you can convince yourself of it. It's kinda weird, I've been going through random depression states where I just think, and I just go straight downhill. I have never really experinced anything like it, I think it's just when everything has reached the roof and I can't take anything else from anyone. This is when I get kinda snappy and I dont take anything from anyone and a good majority of the time I flip out on some unlucky individual.
There has been a lot of other things going on, but another that is worth mentioning is amanda. I really care about her, and actually for possibly one of the first times in my life it looked like something may have came out of it but I dont think that's the case. I honestly just want to give up on it, but as always I have a hard time letting go of things, I dont know if that is good or bad to be honest. I was talking with brooke and she said some encouraging things and I thank her a lot of it, and she agrees that I should just let amanda make any sort of move. I've put myself out and got hurt so many other times that it's not worth it and I refuse to do it again. I think it was a good stratagay because Amanda hasen't been talking to me much at all as of late and that added on to everything else that goes on in my life it makes me feel shitty as it is, though it's amost expected, seeing as this is nick here, I always end up getting fucked over someway, somehow. I dont honestly know what I am so concerned about relationships right now, I have so much other shit that I should be worried about and all this does is eat me up inside. oh well
current mood:  confused
current music: Hot Hot Heat - Le Le Low
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| Monday, January 10th, 2005
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10:23 pm - another gay thing
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 | You scored as Indie Rock. Indie Rock.
Indie Rock | | 58% | Indie | | 46% | Punk and Pop Punk. | | 46% | Emo & More | | 42% | Classic Rock. | | 38% | Industrial | | 33% | Ska | | 29% | Mainstream | | 21% | Hardcore | | 13% | Britpop | | 8% | Country | | 8% | Hip Hop and Rap | | 8% | </td>
Music Recommendation
created with QuizFarm.com |
in other news I got my HDTV DVR from adelphia, only to have that peice of shit not work, fucking thing...there is a tech coming out wed to look at it....
current mood:  apathetic
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| Sunday, January 9th, 2005
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9:00 pm - hahaha
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| Saturday, January 8th, 2005
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5:39 pm - right o
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Float On by Modest Mouse |
"Bad news comes don't you worry even when it lands
Good news will work its way to all them plans"
Laid back and real, people appreciated you for you are in 2004.
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10:38 am
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Actually a fairly good past few days, with my whole vegetarian thing going well I've managed to keep myself quite busy for a good amount of time. The whole week at tech was a recruitment week so I didn't have to do anything really. Everything was alright until I woke up and three things happend, in no particular order here they are, I guess casper is moving to state college or something, just packing up and leaving...good luck there man keep in touch, and my fucking prince of persia download needs a password and i dont have one >:O, and to top that off it's fucking snowing outside, and I don't like the snow, I know it's January already but please guys, Christmas is fucking over we don't need anymore snow considering it just makes things a bitch and our school never closes for it. I'm going to eat a veggie burger and take a shower then I'll be in a happy mood.
current mood:  discontent
current music: Hot Hot Heat - Le Le Low
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| Monday, January 3rd, 2005
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6:05 pm
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Back to school today...It wasn't that bad really. I missed seeing everyone as odd as that sounds, and enjoyed myself as much as I could. I was pretty tired because of the christmas break my sleep got all fucked up so I went to bed at like 2 am. I wasn't too worried though because I knew they wouldn't hit us all up with work yet. Of course I was right, I really be in regular school for the next two days, because of my In School Suspension for my tray riding episode. Hopefully they'll "parol" me so I can go out to lunch and see everyone before I leave, somehow I doubt it though. It dosen't really look like I have too much work to do tomorrow though, which kinda scared me in a way, because I dont want to be bored in ISS. Before I got my assignments I got my one english paper back. I wasn't expecting to get that great of a grade on it, seeing how it was a personal essay; so I did my own thing with it and wrote a poem. I ended up getting a 95 percent and a note saying the teacher really enjoyed it. Maybe it was a Christmas Present or something haha, I doubt it though because I dont struggle in that class, or any for that matter.
All this talk about graduating in 5 months worries me, I hoenstly don't want to graduate. I never thought a few years ago I would be saying that but it is the truth. Espically now with the friends I have made just recently. People like Lacey,who before I really didn't know and had only a limited amount of time to get close with them, then we graduate. I almost wish it was freshmen year so I could spend more time in high school with these people. I know there is always after high school to see them but I am afraid things will be differnt.
Today after school I napped and read a little bit of my book for english. I stopped because I had a head ache and got online, I talked to ali and kristina, who where the same person or at each other's houses one or the other (I'm not stupid lol) don't know what's going on there, I think that's why I don't know ali to well because I never talk to her, and when I do it's online and I dont even know if it's her or not.
My parents just left after we ate, they're going to the home depot to pick out shit for my bathroom. Since we sold those psTWOs we have some extra money and we're going to work on my bathroom. Which is nice because it needs redone. But for now I am going to savour the old bathroom by taking a shower lol. I'll update tomorrow with a boring post.
current mood:  optimistic
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| Sunday, January 2nd, 2005
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12:36 am - Third post in one day, record huh?
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Well I'll start off by saying me and Ash are fighting again. I won't really say a whole lot except I feel as if she doesn't love me, or if she does, it's not nearly as much as I am lead to believe. For those of you who didn't know, she backed out of coming up with Ashley friend because of her parents are something. Me, being the paranoid bastard that I am, don't believe that's the full reason, which leads me onto the subject on that of "does she even love me?", I haven't abandoned all hope yet but I am more or less a sinking ship and I feel as if I am the captain who's going down on the ship. Or she is just saying she loves me but doesn't, I don't want to compare people or tell anyone what to do but honestly, if I loved someone I wouldn't be worried about what my parents are going to do. It more or less hurts me pretty bad that she doesn't seem to care that much, or if she does is apathetic and doesn't show it. All it really takes is a I Love You from her to bring a smile on my face but I don't know if I can believe her. If our relationship ends on this note I'll hopefully get over it, but I have always been bad in getting over this before so who knows. But I can say that as of right now I almost feel like it's not worth it to even try anymore. She keeps telling me to do what I want, and I am, I want to be with her; who knows if the feeling is mutual, I once thought it was but I may be mistaken. I wish superman or someone could save me from this fucking sinking ship that is my emotions.
Even more sad there was a causality in this situation, Ashley Friend called crying because of this, she wants to see Shaun in the worst way, and now may not get to see him because without Ashley she cannot afford it. I envy Shaun because of how much she loves him, I always have, now more than ever though. I am thinking about helping out Ashley Friend pay for her ticket to see Shaun, I really don't know though. I have the money, but I don't know if she'll allow me to do it.
current mood:  sad
current music: a perfect circle - passive
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| Saturday, January 1st, 2005
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10:18 pm - yay
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first fuck over of the year, woohoo! Honesly I dont even know why I try sometimes, or even get hopes up for anything, I all of a sudden remember why I used to be an antagonistic asshole. Judging by the first day this new year is going to be a fucking blast.....
current mood:  pissed off
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1:45 pm - happy new year
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wow, I'll go into detail about new years as the facts come in from those who were around me, and maybe I'll even do a year review of the 2k4, anyway I had a good new years as this morning after shot shows.
current mood:  hungover
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| Friday, December 31st, 2004
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12:15 am - new update
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Wow, I was really busy the past few days. My uncle and aunt came up from Baltimore for christmas along with their three kids. It wasn't really bad, I enjoyed their company, the two are twins who are 20 months old, boy and girl, and the other is a 4 year old boy. What is neat is they kids really warmed up to me, espically hailey, because they've seen my previous times before. Christmas was nice because I slept in for the most part and Drew, the four year old proceeded to open everyone's presents, which really didn't bother me at all because I was all for him using his own energy to open up things so I wouldn't have to.
My Sister and her boyfriend were also staying with us for the holidays. I wasn't really looking forward to them being here, and worked my schedule to that extent to not be around. Suprisingly I had a good time with them. I've met Bret before and I like him, and it was nice to see him and it seems my sister has matured a little bit, something what was a great shocker to me.
I didn't get anything too special for Christmas, my cousin got me some Tommy Hilfiger cologne which I actually really like alot. Other than that I got money for the most part and some giftcards. I used my one gift card and bought some nice pairs of pants with them. I also bought a nice 30 inch widescreen HDTV for my room, which is one of the nicest things I've ever purchased, so right now im pretty happy with it.
Wednesday I went over to Lacey's house and we watched Dogma and just hung out, I never hang out with her so I really enjoyed hanging out with her and "momma shay". Other than that I have been working or just doing other misc things not worth mentioning on here.
Currently though I'm in a meh kind of mood. Ashley is coming up with Ashley Friend in March to visit Ashley Friend's boyfriend, and I want to see them, Espially my Ashley. But I am not all that interested in driving to Buffalo, but I will because I love Ashley. But I guess Ashley is planning on smoking pot with Shaun, which is something that I find to be one of the biggest turn offs and disgusting, I think ashley friend agrees with me. But how I feel right now is I really don't want to see her like that. I really don't want to, and I mean no disrespect to Shaun, but I'd rather not go if she's going to be doing that. I know it makes me sound like a baby but I couldn't stand to see it, or be any part of it. Neither Ashley's know this right now, (well I bet they do now..) But I really don't want to talk about that situation, I just want nothing to do with it, and I know it's going to piss them off but that's how it is, I dont want to get stressed over this stupid shit anymore.
current mood:  meh
current music: Flesh Field - Cyberchrist
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| Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
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4:10 pm - word
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Well pretty weak few days. I haven't done too much, just vegitate. I had a christmas party today in english so I brought in some oreo's. I manged to finish my one personal essay for that class but ended up only bringing the final copy, since I didn't want to go to school tomorrow I skipped tech to go home and grab the rough draft and such. But mother and I went to wal mart and such, endeding buying two of those new slim ps2's or pstwo's, whatever you want to call them. After selling my xbox on ebay for $270 selling these dosen't seem like a bad idea. If you're intrested hit me up. I'll try to update later.
current mood:  jubilant
current music: The Faint - I Disappear
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| Monday, December 20th, 2004
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9:02 pm - fucking god damnit
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Well I was going to write a more lengthy entry but im not in the mood to. I've spent all day trying to fix my laptop but the fucking hard drive died in it. Meaning it's going to cost $100 to get a new one and install it...fucking god damnit I really dont want to crack the damn thing open either...
current mood: bitchy
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| Wednesday, December 15th, 2004
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11:23 am - quick update
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What a great past few days, I havne't been updating nearly as much because I have been so busy living life. It's going good but that just means there will be a downfall soon to come. Anyway we had the first good snow of the year, so you know what that means? Well if you didn't then this should clarify:
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| Sunday, December 12th, 2004
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9:48 pm - im a gangster
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that so sums it all up 8D
current mood:  feel like cappin a shorty
current music: Ghetto Boyz - Damn it feels good to be a gangsta
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(1 comment | comment on this)
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| Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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8:34 pm - good few days
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What a few good days I have had. With the excption of a few deaths the world seems pretty good to me. I'll start off on the deaths, a special ed student by the name of Chris Greeley passed away over the weekend. I saw him in the halls and knew who he was, he was in one of my history vs video classes last year, I felt pretty bad because he died at such a young age and no one deserves that. Another is more recent, the guitar and drummer from Pantera have died, ends up some asshole jumped up on stage, shot them multiple times then shot in the crowd and killed two people. I hope this isn't the start of a new trend in america. If it is, then it will top the idioticy that is school shootings. Im not one of those guys who really shows his feelings about that stuff but my thoughts and prayers are with the families.
Tuesday me and Casper went out for a ride around and visited sami's sick ass at wendy's. After seeing the way she looked at me in the eyes, (no not the I love you look you sappy love fucks, the you gave me mono and ruined whatever happiness I was feeling so I want to stab you with this spatula look) I decidied I wasn't totally safe there so we left. (hope you're feeling better sami) I later then went to see the viewing for Chris Greeley to show some respect. Other than that nothing happend that I recall important other than the great phone conversation I had with Ashley Friend, great news her and Shaun are back together. I am really happy for her, because she was really depressed when I talked to her before. I mean like Michael Jackson "my daddy beat me and said I had an ugly nose so im going to get it operated on until it starts to drip off" depressed. Im glad you're feeling better Ashley, love ya!
Wed I just went into work, was the norm but as I was counting cards my "sister" lacey came in, what a plesent suprise. She even brought my "mother", was kinda weird calling someone mom who wasn't my mom. It almost seemed she was a little creeped out by it too, calling me son lol. It's all in fun, so much love to my sister lacey and momma shay.
Jen introduced me to one of her friends Kristen, she's trying to hook us up. I dont know how well that's going to work seeing how I'm not interested in a realtionship at the moment. But I am always open to meeting new people. She seems pretty cool but I have yet to meet her in school. I met her friend Ali, who I've seen so I knew who she was. She's hot, nothing really much else you can say about that. I sat next to her today at lunch before I left for tech. Just amazing by how well she looks. But I dont know her too well really but I could see myself becoming good friends with her along with kristen.
Half day of school for me tomorrow, no tech 8D
current mood: calm
current music: Deftones - Birthmark
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| Sunday, December 5th, 2004
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11:19 am - Update
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Hey guys another great update in the saga that is my life. I figured out what was making me so moody before, ends up it was the amoxicillin I had been taking for an ear infection. The ear infection was pretty much the cause of something else that I had, mono. Yeah I had mono and poor old Samantha was lucky enough to get it from me. I feel kinda bad for her, I mean come on look at her:
she's so sad, because she's sick... from me haha
Oh well feel better Sami :D
The weekend wasn't much else really, I hung out with Jordan on Friday night. We saw many people we knew at the cofair so it was actually rather suprising. We ended up racing Jake Pacansky along Route 20, with traffic in toe. We only hit about 120 mph, but needless to say we beat the shit out of him. Afterwards we went to Burger King, my former employer, and Jordan and I got some free drinks from Andrew. I guess the manager there now is a dick because he was looking at me all weird when I was sitting on the counter and told Andrew to see him in the back. We all took that as a sign and left. I was tempted to throw my drink at the asshole's car but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I just ended up throwing the drink out of the window going about 80 mph lol.
Afterward he came over and I think we played some Halo 2 for awhile, or I was at his house...I really don't remember, all the drugs I have been on in the past week really make me forget things. I keep making it a note to stop doing them. I have been successfull so far, this has been my first sober weekend in a while.
Saturday I was supposed to meet with the army but I blew them off because I am so cool. I was supposed to hang out with Lacey but I don't know what happend to that. I am not upset about it because she didn't know what was going on. I just want to hang out with my sister a few times haha. I was content with watching the movie, Chasing Amy, I haven't seen it in a few years and it just brought back some good memories. Not too much else happend except I got a pizza and Jordan came over. Ashley Friend ended up calling me mid Saturday though crying because Shaun ended their relationship for whatever reason. He stated a reason but I think it's just a bullshit reason, but who am I to say? Ashley Friend, don't sweat it, you're an amazing person and you're also good looking, I'll be here to help you out through it as much as I can because you've been there for me through my stupid ass shit.
Today I went to work from 9-11, I was pretty tired becuase I was up talking to Ashley Friend on the phone pretty late last night. I had to do the marquee and ended up spelling coffee wrong. Me, someone who fucking imports coffee from Europe spelld coffee wrong... There is something wrong with that, I guess I was totally not all there. I just got back from work and I am a fixin to eat me some lunch, work out, and then who knows what.
current mood: cheerful
current music: A Perfect Circle - What's Goin' On
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